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Being Jeff Foxworthy

Women they say regardless of the break-up line used have got another man in-tow already before you even get a clue that she is about to break up with you. Women are shrewd like that. I like what Jeff Foxworthy said about women "if women say --we need to see other people-- it means she's already taken the saddle out of the barn and ridden the pony" or something to that effect bwuhahahha. I say that's pretty inclusive. I suppose men have their shrewd ways as well...

Breaking up however isn't what i want to talk about. Although breaking up is a very fun topic the back-up list is even more fun and more intriguing. Whether one will admit or not there is a "back up" "reserve" or "prospective" list or worse yet the "Jeff Foxworthy" list. Let me explain... The Jeff Foxworthy list is the guy or girl who is the absolute default replacement in case of a break up. He is the back-up car if you will. Un-used but fine tuned for full time service in case of a crash, if you follow my meaning. In womens defense not all of them will have thee. But what they all have i believe is at least the "Prospective List". This list is not necessarily shared with friends and may only exist in the mindl. The prospective guy may not even know he is on such a list. Hell, you my reader may be in a few peoples prospective list for all you know. In contrast the Foxworthy guy is privy to the fact that he is a Foxworthy although he may not be aggressively pressing the issue and is quite content sitting back letting nature take its course. He is one you might consider extremely patient and methodical as a serial killer (lol).

Is there any merit to what i'm talking about you might be wondering? You bet your ass there is merit. I've been the patient Foxworthy guy in the past but not after being Foxworthied myself like a dumbass. But i've taken it all in strides. Necessary evil if you will.

I called Sara the other day to invite her to my forthcoming Saturday Poker/Boxing night. Sara and BF Mike used to play my tournaments religiously until they broke up. I guess in good old Hollywood divorce fashion they couldn't arbitrate Poker Custody. Why not shared custody? It's like those couples who can't really trust each other so for peace of mind they both cancel their MySpace account... Yep very uninspiring. Anyway when i called Sara was speaking with a friend of hers named Nick. She promptly hung up with him so she could talk to me unabated. Surprised with the quick dismissal i had to ask who Nick was... "Nick huh, who is that your new Boy Toy?". According to Sara the Poor schmuck is not even on the "Prospective" list let alone a boy toy. He is on the ungrudging "Big Brother" list. You know the one girls call regarding boy problems or problems in general... Okay okay i admit i am a "Big Brother" to some too but they know i wanna Effem and one is married and has three kids and tries to hook me up with dates to boot, nice huh? Come to think of it Sara may be hooking him up with dates too but if the way he was quickly dismissed when i was on the other line is indicative of his place on the special List totem then he ain't up there, you know what i mean???

Anyway the prospective list. It's funny how it works because that prospect list is only full when your in a full blown relationship not when you absolutely want it. It's like getting un-needed or unwanted job offers when you are completely intent and happy at your current job and then absolutely luck-less when seeking for a new job. It's like the Anti-Yin-Yang... Women are always so available almost to your disposal when you have a girlfriend. It's like that one "Everyone loves Raymond" episode when his brother accidnetally dropped his wedding band in an Airport sink. Adding to his agony their flight gets delayed. Conveniently though while his brother was getting Pizza a hot White Girl seated next to him sparked up a conversation and asked him to join her at the bar. I bet that never happened him while he was single. Yep the Anti-Yin-Yang. The same script happened often when i was in a long-term relationship. Once this cute Vietnamese girl who i used to work with told me she'd have no quirks asking me out on a hot date if i said i was having relationship problems (Even if i lied she said. I suppose for her delusional peace of mind... and i love Asian women damn it!!!). Coincidentally i was having relationship problems hahahha. So when my girl and i finally broke up i went to town...

So the real question is, have you been Foxworthied before or have been Mr Jeff Foxworthy himself? Here is a stupid follow up question, would you rather be Jeff Foxworthy or Foxworthied??? Neither one i say... But its a dog eat dog world, kill or be killed, be the hunter or the prey... You get Foxworthied and for self satisfaction you Foxworthy back. But do not do it to avenge because whats the point of revenge?? Do it for self-indulgence. That may seem decadent but thats the ways of relationships. Painful and decadent...

Sound like i have trust issues huh? Well fuck you... lol. I admit my trust is difficult to gain. I can't even trust myself to be faithful anymore. Anyway i think trust may be the single most important virtue in a relationship. I think to have a near perfect kind of relationship trust must be instilled in the early stages. Men and women are such opposing forces that its nearly impossible to have an unadulterated kind of relationship. We shouldn't have been built so dissimilar. I'd like it better if we were like animals acting purely on instincts alone... We should've been built like the Emperor Penguins who are monogamous to one partner once a year. These penguins instinctively convene in the same God forsaken frozen tundras annually to find mates for the Season. Seasonal sex if you will. What a riot... Think about it, once you reach adulthood you have one relationship with a different girl every year for the rest of your life until you croak. Can you think of a better idea?? Bring on genesis again Please God?

Posted by: Marc Gabay
Friday, July 14, 2006