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Rome, 1.1 - Best Friends Forever?

Sure, the show's called Rome, but it begins in Gaul. Julius Caesar, having come, seen, and conquered, is basically a rock star back home. Like Michael Jackson, back in his heydays, before he took a liking for young boys. His rock star status makes some folks nervous -- specifically the Roman aristocracy, as well as Caesar's homie and partner in rule, a one Pompey Magnus. Pompey's lost his wife in childbirth, a wife who just happened to be Caesar's daughter. So a woman named Atia of the Julii, who spends half of the episode in the nude, plots a double-suck-up: she offers her daughter as Pompey's new wife, and sends her son Octavian to Gaul with a white stallion as a gift to Caesar. Meanwhile, in Gaul, some guys sneak into Caesar's camp and steal the golden eagle that his army uses as a standard. Sorta like the pig's head in Lord Of The Flies. Or is it? Anyways, a couple of hapless soldiers are assigned the impossible task of finding it. Luckily, they stumble upon the band of ruffians who have not only taken the eagle, but have also kidnapped Octavian. Who helpfully explains the significance of all the machinations going on between Caesar and Pompey, so I'm glad he didn't get killed, or I'd be totally fucked and confused. By the way: Octavian looks like the older brother from Malcolm In the Middle. What a dead ringer, man... There are some other people, too: Timon, who likes to have sex in front of the caregivers; Cato and Cicero, a couple of windy senators; Mark Antony, who likes being a bad-ass (Not J-Lo's husband); and Marcus Junius Brutus (of the famous "Et Tu"), who's uptight and snobbish even when drunk. Anyway, it turns out that the Eagle Head-thieves were working for Pompey, who was hoping to weaken Caesar (and who also declines to marry Atia's daughter after shtupping her). So Caesar sends back word that he and his army are on their way back to Rome. What's Latin for "it's on"? Also, there are lots of boobies. Lots.

Posted by: Anonymous
Tuesday, August 30, 2005